Presents for Techsters

Hanukkah is almost upon us – can you believe it? That means Christmas is just weeks or possibly days away – it’s different every year! What fun! However it is in fact that time of year, the time where we all scramble to find the best deals on the hottest items to prove to our family members that we love them. If the amount of presents under my family’s very secular Christmas tree are any indication, we love each other so much that it’s oppressive and tiring.

Shopping for presents is never an easy task, particularly when you’re purchasing for many people at once. It has to be the right balance of your enjoyment in giving the gift relative to their pleasure in receiving the gift. Oy vey! So given the diverse interests of the people in your life, I decided to take some of the load off by giving a few suggestions for picking out that perfect lil something for your techie, early-adopter friend. Mind you I mean an adopter of new technologies, not of orphaned children.


1) Coin! Pre-order the next generation of credit card that’s buzzwording its way into peoples’ hearts. This gift is perfect for your friend who loves hype and literally has too much of everything – especially credit cards. With Coin they can digitally consolidate their numerous, waterproof plastic cards into one hydrophilic entity that doesn’t necessarily function without close proximity to a smartphone for only lots of dollars. So disruptive!

ImageGood luck with SEO, Coin

2) BitCoin! Do you have a friend who is struggling too much to keep their identity hidden while buying drugs or maybe sex slaves online? Then get them in on the Open Source P2P currency revolution that has Wall Streeters everywhere (particularly on Wall Street) throwing their hands into the air and proclaiming, “Gordon Gecko did not warn us about this newfangled technology!”


3) Club membership! Do you have a friend whose entire existence is validated by the success of the people they know? For them you need look no further than a membership at The Battery, San Francisco’s latest addition to the exclusive club scene. A mere $2400 will afford your favorite social climber the ability to rub elbows with the self-proclaimed winners of Silicon Valley’s entirely fabricated tech hierarchy. They will thank you forever, as long as you continue to provide value to their network, of course.


4) Microapartment! You know the phrase, “bigger is better”? Well forget about that, because when it comes to housing in San Francisco, “size doesn’t matter,” as long as that size is small. Scientists* have even postulated that the smaller your apartment is, the bigger your penis gets (I’m looking at you, women). Who needs a backyard when you can have 250 square feet of claustrophobia to call home on the weekends?

Image  *I made this up

5) Quadcopter! No sarcasm here. Quadcopters are neat. If you don’t believe me, then you better look at this.


6) Google Glass! Is your friend an asshole, but constantly struggling with what kind of asshole they are? Fortunately the latest in wearable technology will make sure the world knows your friend is a bonafide Glasshole. All it will cost you is $1500 and a little dignity to make sure your friend can forcefully prove to the world that they are up to date on the newest gadgets.


7) Tech pillows! Balancing your digital and real life has never been so attainable! Purchase any number of fun options to adorn your bed as a way to guarantee celibacy. And that’s not all the fun you can have – you can Facebook yourself sleeping on an Instagram pillow! Surf the Internet that is your dreams using a Google Chrome pillow! Smother your loved ones with whatever this is!


If all of these options are too “mainstream” for your “friends,” I suggest going directly to the source to make sure they can be the first to find out about what’s new. For example, you can hack in to Google’s servers and check out what cool stuff they’re working on – your friends will no doubt visit you in prison to thank you profusely for making sure they were the first to be able to tweet about a new, irrelevant product!

No matter what route you go, you are sure to have a wonderful, wired holiday season where you and all your family members can all enjoy sitting in the same room while staring at your smartphones.

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